So, I've been in Holywell, that's right. 5 weeks of good times. Spread the word.

Fed up with being told who I'm allowed to tell, fucking bullshit its my life.

For that matter, I left work, I'm not studying anything at all, I didn't do my cabin crew training, I haven't left the house in 6 days and I'm waiting to start living on DLA and other benefits, stealing tax money because I like to slit my wrists. And why should I care who knows about it?

If anyone thinks that I'm just being selfish, spoiled and attention seeking feel free to tell me but don't expect me to want you as a friend.

Or indeed if anyone thinks that I would choose my boyfriend over my friends on account of wanting to stay at his instead after a night out, while I'm on the brink of having a panic attack, please ask yourself why I would feel more comfortable in his supportive presence than yours? Being slagged off, called a bad friend and told 'It always has to be about you doesn't it Fionnuala'. I'm sorry? Who's the bad friend? I don't need this shit right now and I certainly didn't need it back then.

Hello. This feels weird. I actually can't remember the last time I posted.

Straight to the point, the last six months have been probably the worst of my life. Nothing particularly bad has happened to me, no one I love has died or been affected by serious illness I've just been going through some pretty horrible shit in my head and as a result spent most of it hiding away and avoiding people. Even people who have been amazing to me and I'm so sorry for that they didn't deserve it. The only time I felt really comfortable around people was when I went out and got out of my mind which is never a good idea.

Basically I'm sorry if I avoided your call or didn't reply to your text. I even lost my phone and didn't bother to tell anyone I changed my number because I was afraid. I've been a terrible friend and I really want to make it up to everyone and reconnect with the most amazing people I know. I'm trying to change things please forgive me. Anyone who reads this and wants to hang out it'd be really great to hear from you.

Fionnuala x x x

We're playing in a pub called Balls tonight. It's in Kajaani in Finland and I swear to God it's actually called Balls.

I'm going to Finland!!! :D

Instructions
1. Put your music player on shuffle.
2. Press forward for each question.
3. Use the song title as the answer to the question even if it doesn't make sense.

How do you feel today?
Holiday

What's your outlook on life?
Somebody help me (hahaha)

What does your family think of you?
If not now

What do your friends think of you?
Loving the alien (lol)

What do strangers think of you?
United

What do your exes think of you?
Justb keep swimming (lmao yes the finding nemo thing)


How has your love life been so far?
Crushed (lol this is too good)

How will your love life be in the future?
Starlight (meh that sounds ok)

Will you get married?
Born Slippy

Will you have kids?
Sober

Are/were you good in school?
Coming down

Will you be successful in life?
deer dance

What song should they play on your birthday?
shape the sky

What song should they play at your funeral?
This is not an exit (lmao serious!!)

[ The Soundtrack of Your Life ]

You and your best friend are:
look what the bats dragged in

Happy times:
teenage wasteland

Sad times:
pure massachre (makes sense)

Everyday:
mein teil

For tomorrow:
live and let die

Your sex life:
pulse

How are you going to live your life?
36 degrees

Is anyone going to repost this?
Demon of the Fall!!!!!!!!! YEAH!!


The only good quiz thing I've ever seen on lj

I wonder if spent less time trying to find out who I am and just... did stuff... would I become more of the person I'm trying to find? It's hard not to philosophise everything though, I'm doing it now. Hmmm.

Sometimes I swear I think I'm the parent in our house. I find myself thinking about subtle ways to get through to whoever needs to be gotten through to this week rather than just yelling. I like to think that quiet carefully selected words are always more effective than screaming anything in the heat of the moment, the 'I'm not angry, just disappointed' tactic. Then again I'm beginning, well not just beginning actually, to think that things are past the point of no return for our family. We're building up a nice litle momentum that can't be reversed without a bang. We can always try to make our environment a little more pleasant I suppose, even for our own peace of mind. Kind of similar to the reasoning behind my looking forward to maths night classes, I want to feel like I'm doing something. Of course tech is keeping me occupied, but we're still at the introductory, not really doing any real work stage, whereas I get the feeling I'll be thrown in at the deep end in maths. But yeah, its about time everyone else actually realised my point about changing things rather than humoring me then continuing to do things their way. It seems like a good story to the rest of the world, 'I just get on with things, be sensible and ignore the drunken blabber' But yeah right, I've been guilty of it in the past I know but I'm not the one succumbing to the arguments anymore. Yeah, its hard, but get over it. I have and its all I've ever really known. I dunno, maybe that's why I'm not as easily, or publicly defeated by this. I'm not encouraging bottling things up, its just not productive to release all your anger in a massive explosion aimed at one person, especially one who all you want to do is help.

Meh, maybe I'll just go get pissed and forget all my troubles... oh wait, that's why I have so many troubles.

Advice: Don't drink to avoid issues. (Duh lad)

It is quite hard to get the balance right between healthy distractions and ignoring the issue altogether though. *Head fried* I think I'll go indulge in some healthy distraction for the mean time........like........ seeing The Cult this Saturday :D YAY.

Laters.

Just making it public knowledge that I'm planning a little shin-dig in THE shed (the big shed where Before Thursday practice beside my house) tomorrow in celebration of me sticking it out for 17 years/ summer ending. If you read this you're invited to come and get merry or just hang out so leave a comment or speak to me at search tonight if you can come!

I don't know how to be a good person. Writing this is self-absorbed.

I spend my life waiting for things to get crazy, when they do I get crazy, not in a good way.

My results come out tomorrow, I'm getting four. That's right, four GCSEs because I spent the last two years basically absent from school and I'm not looking forward to the phonecalls and 'how did you get on?'s. I'm not proud, actually I feel really shit about it. And scared especially since the reasons for my absence seem to be reappearing and with going to Derry next year I just can't... can't. I can't deal with that crap again after being alright for so long. So yeah I'm not looking forward to the results, and I know its going to be awkward as hell, so there it is. I'm not going to try to explain over and over why I only sat four fucking exams.

I hate disapproval, and at times like this I hate being a Scullion, a head girl, a deputy head girl, all prefects, getting all As and A*s in exams etc etc, I'm not even doing A levels. Woot.

Writing this is self-absorbed. But I guess its kind of an apology, I haven't made as big an effort as I should to keep in contact with the people I care about recently. Instead of blaming it on fucking technology and ranting about being left behind I should get over myself and realise it’s my problem.

I seem to be getting angry at everything these days, sometimes I find it really hard to just let things happen and be said without taking them thick or starting something. I think it’s becoming a real problem because I'm getting angry instead of upset most of the time, and people keep bringing it to my attention. I know I snap and I know I get pissed off too much, I can't help it and I hate it about myself, I'm sorry and I'm trying to change but please stop taking the piss and constantly acting scared of me, I don't want this to be me and I don't need it always brought to my attention that I have this problem. I just want to be happy too.

Kieran is the best thing that's happened to me in a long time. Even with what I said about problems reappearing, I'm still a hell of a lot better than I have been in a long long time, thanks to a few things but especially him. I feel I'm beginning to get to know him, really know him. I like closed books, well, I like trying to open them and he certainly provides difficult but amazing reading material, the chapter I'm currently on would definitely surprise anyone meeting him for the first time, but its my favourite so far. Don't go to Belfast motherfucker lol, anyone got tips on long distances? Well that's a long distance for me.

I like who I am with Kieran, and I think more now than ever I'm really getting to know myself, there's a lot that I don't like but certain facters change these elements, and his company is definatly one of them. The same goes for most of the people I've spent most of the summer with. I think through a few experiences I've had this summer I gotten to know a lot of my friends a lot better too, and its fantastic, these people rock. Like I said, when things get crazy I do too, but only afterwards when I begin to feel the withdrawl. I tried to make it my mission not to have a single day this summer when I didn't do anything out of the ordinary, and for the most part I think I've achieved that, its only on days like today, after such a hectic week days like today where I have nothing to do but watch tv and listen to drunken mother speeling abuse result in, well me being a mess. And hungry, days like this I eat nothing but cereal.

For the most part I'm happier than I think I am when I get in a state, I forget, kind of like when you're freezing you can't remember what its like to be warm and find it impossible to believe that you ever have been warm or ever will be. But when you are warm its very easy to hit with a cool breeze, as a little reminder that the heat isn't permanent and can be very easilty disrupted. But maybe I'm alright. Writing this is self-absorbed. I'll shut up soon.

Getting my lip pierced on thursday, finally! Appointment booked with Tommy Gun and everything so no fading this time. At least I'll have an excuse for my crabbiness. Well that and my results.

Wow writing on this actually helps.

Hey folks, rawr haven't been on my computer in ages, I think that's healthy but it also kind of sucks as it seems at the minute that this is the only way of keeping in contact with a lot of my friends. A lot of people have been saying similar things, I guess its the drawback of summer holidays. I hate it that the internet and texting seem to be the only methods of communication now. Aside from random lj rants I don't like communicating in this way, I don't like the impersonality of it all, and as for meeting new people, some may disagree but I think its impossible to actually get to know anyone when you have time to think about your next sentence, making it easier to portray the person you want to be rather than who you actually are. Don't get me wrong, I still think the internet is great, a brilliant communicational, educational tool bla bla bla but I just miss people, real people. I think the internet has another downside, in that people learn to rely on it, I mean instead of going to meet friends we sign on to talk to them on msn. This is what depresses me because I don't get any enjoyment out of that and I feel a little left behind because of this, some may think I'm losing touch with them for personal reasons when in fact I just want to spend time with them in a more personal way. The sad thing is that I don't know how to remedy this, living in the country with no money or means of transport apart from relying on my parents. Our little band and Kieran with his car (grrr) have been the only things to save me from insanity this summer lol, knowing that I can pretty regularly meet up with friends and get out of the house, spending time with someone I care about. But there are so many people I feel I've lost touch with who I can't simply replace with others. I suppose its the way it goes, we can't have everything, but its a shame that we can't have everyone. Basically I miss my friends, again the same thing written across most posts on this in the last month but that doesn't do much to console.